Just Getting Started

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” -All wise people everywhere, across every generation of sentient sapiens.

I don’t know which step I am on in my VO journey, but this week has been a number of firsts within that journey. I own a business now, that’s a first. I have a website now, that’s a first. I told one of my coworkers about this super-secret-project that I’ve been up to that not even my family knows about yet, that’s a first. I suspect many of us know that feeling that comes with every life changing first. There is rush of adrenaline that we don’t always know to do with, and that’s precisely where I am with all these firsts. I am excited and proud of my neuro-divergent self for actually being able to make this happen. While also being extremely nervous, trepidations, and absolutely exhausted by this emotion and devoted energy.

This did not all start with a dream, this all started with hating my job and looking at my resume and crying at how senseless it all is. This started with questioning what do I really have to offer, and then crying some more. At this particular point in this journey though, I am reminded of a dream I once had. For some context, I own a harness, a belay clip, a carabiner, a chalk bag, and some rope; if you’re unfamiliar this is your standard equipment for rock climbing (minus some specialty shoes). I have only ever climbed indoors at a tiny but gem of a gym in Homewood, IL. never outdoors on the real thing, and it’s been years since I’ve even been to a climbing gym. I am familiar enough, though, with the sport that I can and have taught some of the basic safety and procedure to climbing. -In the dream I was at the base of cliff that at a less than halfway up had an 85 to 90 degree overhang, approximately. I put on my gear and started to climb, self-belaying my way up. Something I’ve been taught but never actually done. Nevertheless, everything is going well. I get to the overhang and am almost done with it. Trickiest part of the overhang of course, not being able to truly know or see your next move. It is at this point that I notice I don’t feel the rope against me anywhere, I don’t feel any of my gear on me. Sure enough, it’s gone. It’s not on me. It’s nowhere in sight. It was as though I had deluded myself into thinking I put it on and was climbing with it this whole time. I feel my heart start to race and think No. This can’t be. I had a harness on when I started. I started with a harness on. It is in this paused panicked moment that start to notice the strain in my finger tips. I’m losing my grip strength. My back is parallel to the ground, I’m roughly 300 feet up, and there’s nothing but air between myself and the ground. I can reach around the corner of the overhang and hope the first thing I grasp is the perfect grip to utilize more of my hand and arm muscles rather than the dying small twitch fibers in my finger tips, or that’s it. My grip will give way and I’ll be done. The final catch here is, I know I’ve never completed a steep overhang. I’ve never had the tensile or full body strength to hold all my weight at that severe of an angle while one hand lets go to reach around the corner for the next grip. So even in this dream where I’ve been doing all sorts of climbing things I’ve never done already, I don’t trust my ability to make that next move and not meet the same fate. My only options are let go now, or try confident that I will fail. All I can think is I had a harness when I started. I close my eyes, I wake up.- My brain literally and figuratively left me on a cliff hanger.

I’ve always taken the message of my fixation on the harness in that dream to compare to how in real life we start with some safety nets. Even if we don’t have a totally stable upbringing we at least have the lack of legal responsibilities in most cases, until we’re 18. Once we’re off on our own, our bills and obligations pile up, and being held accountable means more than just cleaning up your mess. It means paying fines, facing legal recourse, or losing everything. The moment you realize that is the weight that you bear now, it can feel like all safety measures have disappeared while you’re mid climb. Rendering your confidence to succeed at making your next move as absent as your gear.

I am immensely grateful for the guidance and support the training program I completed for entering this field has provided. I am grateful that it is lifetime support and goes beyond just the technical skills needed for VO, but coaching and assistance for building a business too. I am grateful for the community they have established and that I can be part of so as to see and share this experience with others. I am just getting started, and right now I am confident I have my harness, my rope, my carabiner, and that someone is on the ground competently belaying for me right now. If I find myself at a steep overhang during this sojourn and all my equipment vanishes, because of all the resources that I have been provided I have more trust in my strength to make the next move. Trust that comes not only from the inherent value of the training I received, but from knowing that if my next fails that’s not the end of my story. There is a crash pad waiting at the end of my fall.

I’ve never fully grasped the significance of blogs and what the reader should be able to take from their read. I understand it’s context dependent. I think in this context it’s just meant to share with you insights into to who I am, what I am up to, going through, and maybe wanting to let you vicariously share in an experience. I think my goal here is to do some of those things, as well as impart something educational or food for thought. Whatever your take away has been, I hope at the very least this read has felt worthy of your time and undisruptive to your peace.

Stay safe, stay healthy

Cait O.